the benefits of not being seen

I'm reflecting on the concept of community right now. it changes as I do, and though I'm open to connecting, I've never quite felt like I fully belong anywhere.

One of the places I went over the years to find community and belonging was the spiritual community. groups, classes, courses, memberships, etc. that position themselves around meditation, breath work, yoga, etc.

Don't get me wrong, there are beautiful people here, AND I've experienced some disappointment.

Abandonment by coaches I put my trust in, backstabbing, pettiness from other women, and disappointment at the superficiality of it all...sometimes. I resented my early teachers - how dare they lead me to the ambiguous waters of divine this and higher self that, and then not put the sweet sweet water of enlightenment to my lips! I am the most willing horse.

Then I realized that it wasn't their responsibility.

This applies to any group I perceive as the place where I'll find belonging.

Not being seen can be difficult, but I have learned to focus on the benefits.

Something I had to learn is that spirituality, or maybe the "sense" of belonging altogether, is not a community with Others.

It's a community with Self...ego, persona, anima, animus, mind, spirit, my guides, etc

Over the years I put so much blame onto the people I was around to BE something other than themselves and had to release (still am) the victim mentality that had clasped around me.

The influence from others, even if positive, stops at the edge of my heart. only I know its inner workings and the more quiet and still I am, the more it tells me what to do what's best for my journey. 

So...I find myself in another cycle of craving a deeper connection with like-minded people. I am working to be still in myself and find flow in my journey... embrace my timing, and accept my life.

If I need to rage, I accept.

If I need to let go, I do (sometimes it takes longer than other times)

Those that are meant to find me, do & those that find me for a time and then need to leave, do. but I do not leave myself, because I have the foundational sense of community I need.

Feeling grateful I am still figuring it out & my journey toward myself isn't over.

Thanks for reading!